Comparison will kill you

What do you love about your self? There has to be something. Come on, really think about it. Your legs? Back? Eyes? Your confidence? Intelligence? Your social skills?

Grab that one thing. Hold on to it. Now, how would you feel if someone flaunted theirs in front of you? They got a better grade than you. They have more friends. Their legs are more toned. Now how do you feel? Suddenly, the things you love about yourself don't look so great. Like you're not good enough. That you haven't worked hard for what you have.

You will never find happiness in anyone other than yourself. 

STOP looking at everyone else. Look to them for motiation! Don't compare what they have to yourself. A good friend would encourage you to be the best you can be. Find these people if you don't already have them. I try my best to surround myself with only those who bring me up, challenge me to be my best. These are the only people you should have in your life. To reassure you when you're down, and get you back on your feet.

Don't lose hope

I haven't been on here in months.

I started this because i was having a hard time. Wanted some hope, wanted to encourage others. Once i started doing well with my new medication, i stopped. I had felt the best i have felt in years! It was amazing. I have been able to explore new foods. Deal with this new term "constipation." What. Never thought i would know what that feels like (poop baby anyone?)

But as i sit here, feeling the sharp pains of inching out of remission, i feel like i'm losing sight of hope. I talk to no one about it, because no one understands. People can feel sorry for me, but no one will understand what it's like to constantly have the fear that one day, you will wake up and not be well. That you'll have to rush to the bathroom, and pray before you look in the toilet to see whats there. That you will become self conscious of your slowly dwindling body. That no matter what you eat, you will never be satisfied. Fear of losing my rectum. Of it becoming so scarred that it will have no function, and i will have to have it removed.

Almost every year in the fall, i have this issue.

2011-the most painful time of my life. Curling in to the fetal postion before and after bowl movements. Losing 15 pounds. Taking months to recover. Looking back at pictures of myself with "fat face." (moon face, side effect of steroids)

2012-not as bad of a flare, but a flare. Getting a colonoscopy before moving cross country to my new home in South Carolina.

2013-ER visit for my birthday. So.much.blood. That's when i found out i had ulcers in my rectum

And here we are in 2014. I have been on biologics for months with no side effects. I have weaned off Uceris and imuran. And am now only taking Lialda and Cimzia. Once a month, my saving grace arrives by fedex or UPS in a styrofoam container filled with ice packs. This month, when i opened it, two of the packs were melted. There were still many packs in there, and i opened the meds and checked them immediately. They were still cold. So i did my injections. But now i wonder..were they cold enough?


I know i can call my doctor Monday and get another injection in the office if i need one. They have some for people who have "break through flares" before their next injection. But as i sit here crying, drinking my tea, wondering what i did wrong, all i can think about is the dread of the next bowl movement. The ostomy bag. The years of pooping on the outside of my body.

Pity party. I can't do that. Stress is bad for the colon. I know i need to buck up and go on with my night. It's a night for friends :) Plus the husband will be home soon, and i dont want him to see me like this. He need not worry.

 Hopefully we will meet again soon blog, because sometimes you just need to get it in the open.

Cimzia month two

So we are almost two months in to the cimzia..

And feeling fantastic!! 

I wasn't so sure the first 4-6 weeks. The pain was still on and off. I went to the doctor at about 6 weeks and he said that I was still headed in the right direction. He lowered my dose of imuran. 

I have noticed a slight pattern. The first two weeks after I do my injection, I feel amazing. I can eat so many new things (how I've gained five pounds and now have to do cardio :/) the third week I'm still good, but I get some pain and bloating. Fourth week isn't horrible, but it's uncomfortable. And then it starts all over. So overall I'm happy with my new meds. Not so happy with my jiggling sides and tummy I can't suck in, this is new to me!! But shows I'm digesting my food ;) 

Every time I go to the bathroom, I still look for blood. I think it has just been so long, it's a natural reaction. I also cringe thinking there will be diarrhea. I haven't had any in so long. It's like I'm scarred. Ha well I probably am physically. But mentally too. When you have had so many bad experiences you expect the worst. 

Still staying away from caffeinated coffee, but drinking decaf and my usual green tea. Going to clean up my diet a bit, even though I can eat a lot more foods, I still view them as beig poison. All the processed stuff, it's not good for me in the long run anyway. 

Ran my first 5k a few days ago, still sore but I did amazing!! Finished in 26 min 3 seconds. Didn't train for it. Decided a week before it happened to just sign up. I ran one mile at the gym, and then did a two like run a few days later just to make sure I could do it without falling apart. Looking forward to future 5ks before it gets too hot for summer! 

Using Instagram for other reasons besides stalking

Have you ever looked at other's blogs, just to motivate yourself?

I am a gym rat. I love working out. It's something i can control in my life. I love gaining muscles, getting stronger, adding weight. I'm not into "toning" i want to BULK. I've done a pretty good job of it so far, There's some muscles on my body i have never seen before.

 When i feel like i'm "slacking" i like to look at others blogs or photos on instagram. In life you need something you're dedicated to. Something that you have to turn to when all else spins . Something that remains constant. Mine is fitness. Outdoor, running, crossfit, HIIT, classes, yoga, lifting, especially lifting. I love seeing veins pop in my arms and shoulders. seeing muscles without flexing :)

Why does this blog not have autocorrect? *sigh*

Looking at others can be motivating. Not to necessarily compare yourself, but to see what you can become. Something to look forward to, a goal to achieve. And this is true of other interests; cooking, paleo, photography, couponing,  shopping, outdoors, animals. Just pick something you love! Look up blogs, look up photos. It's a great way to explore what's out there.

For instance, i was looking for motivation. I saw on instagram someone had posted their favorite instagram site. So i went to it. Wow! It's made by a personal trainer. She posts pictures, AND videos of different workout routines. and let me tell you, that girl's booty is POPPING! Definitely a goal for the future!

Oh, and I'm going off steroids as of today :) Yay Thursday!

If anyone wants to see my Instagram, user name is desirees703

and GO SEAHAWKS!!

Biologics and yoga

Happy Saturday y'all! Three day weekend for me, in the wicked cold of South Carolina! Yoga and the indoor shooting range today...and friends all day tomorrow! Love this weekend!

Got my first injection of cimzia about 10 days ago..not sure if I'm just being optimistic, but I honestly felt better within just a few days!

I also had cut out sugar..but I have done that before and still had issues 

Today, my freezer pack of meds finally came. Such a huge box for two tiny syringes. I'm so excited! I'm looking forward to my future. Being healthy, gaining weight, feeling like myself again. (My new self will still not include cow milk--had some yesterday with some Ezekiel cereal..ugh. No bueno) 

Maybe I'm bein too optimistic. But what else Can I do? Cry about it? Pft. Done with that. It's all about my positive outlook on life. And my glorious new future include the Seahawks winning their first Super Bowl :-) we hope...

Cimzia!

Today I finally got my first dose of cimzia! I haven't been waiting a long time..since I no longer respond to traditional methods. The insurance has been fighting this awhile. My doctor originally prescribed me humira, and then decided Cimzia because he said it was safer for people of child bearing age. 

I still have not received my dose from the company, but my doctor gave me a dose they have around the office for break through flare patients. 

I didn't realize the doses were so big! When she grabbed my thigh and inserted the needles, it hurt!! It isn't big, but there is a lot of fluid between those two needles. I was excited for it though, I've just been getting worse. Diarrhea for over two weeks now, and I can feel the sharp pain of my ulcers. Scared and excited! 

He said I should feel a difference within two weeks. But peak within a month. Not sure what happenes if biologics don't work, but I'm staying optimistic! Now it's bed time, between new shots and high doses of allergy shots and a full day if work, I'm pooped! ;-)

Deck the halls with...toilets!

It's almost Christmas!

It is also my half birthday..but who's counting..

I'm writing this on the small chance that someone might respond.  I'm about to start taking Humira (if my insurance ever approves it) and I'm a little excited. It has been a long road, the whole past year has been up and down. I'm just ready for it to be over. Done with trying whatever medications that are "safer" and just ready to kick it in the ass.  

Weird how things change though, like your body knows and want to throw you for a loop.

My ulcers were back a couple weeks ago. Not that they ever really left, but I wasn't having as much bleeding. Then the pain came, the sharp pain that i dread so much, and they were back. A week later i went to the doctor and he said the Imuran wasn't working, and that Humira was my next step. I may have teared up a little, sad that nothing was working. But as i sit here with my gut rumbling, reminding me of my transgressions, i am ready. Ready do be normal. Ready to shoot myself up every two weeks to be able to poop like a normal human. I have been eating some naughty things the last week, and i'm paying for it. Not nearly as bad as the normal american diet, but just a little sugar. Some milk in the form of chocolate and cheese. Oh baby am i feeling the consequences. 

I got an email yesterday from my insurance saying they "couldn't fill" my prescription. I know, I know it's expensive. I will gladly pay a copay. Can that please be an option? We won't fill it, but for $100 a month you can have it! Ok! i'll run down there right now. I'm tired of being skinny. Losing my curves. Not having energy, losing interest in former loved activities. I hate not being myself.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. It's meant for me to vent and share my issues. In hopes that i can get it out to people who understand. Do any of you out there take Humira? Negative/Positive experiences? What words of wisdom can you give me? I have so much to look forward to this coming year, and i want to be able to experience it to the fullest. Happy Holidays everyone!