Deck the halls with...toilets!

It's almost Christmas!

It is also my half birthday..but who's counting..

I'm writing this on the small chance that someone might respond.  I'm about to start taking Humira (if my insurance ever approves it) and I'm a little excited. It has been a long road, the whole past year has been up and down. I'm just ready for it to be over. Done with trying whatever medications that are "safer" and just ready to kick it in the ass.  

Weird how things change though, like your body knows and want to throw you for a loop.

My ulcers were back a couple weeks ago. Not that they ever really left, but I wasn't having as much bleeding. Then the pain came, the sharp pain that i dread so much, and they were back. A week later i went to the doctor and he said the Imuran wasn't working, and that Humira was my next step. I may have teared up a little, sad that nothing was working. But as i sit here with my gut rumbling, reminding me of my transgressions, i am ready. Ready do be normal. Ready to shoot myself up every two weeks to be able to poop like a normal human. I have been eating some naughty things the last week, and i'm paying for it. Not nearly as bad as the normal american diet, but just a little sugar. Some milk in the form of chocolate and cheese. Oh baby am i feeling the consequences. 

I got an email yesterday from my insurance saying they "couldn't fill" my prescription. I know, I know it's expensive. I will gladly pay a copay. Can that please be an option? We won't fill it, but for $100 a month you can have it! Ok! i'll run down there right now. I'm tired of being skinny. Losing my curves. Not having energy, losing interest in former loved activities. I hate not being myself.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. It's meant for me to vent and share my issues. In hopes that i can get it out to people who understand. Do any of you out there take Humira? Negative/Positive experiences? What words of wisdom can you give me? I have so much to look forward to this coming year, and i want to be able to experience it to the fullest. Happy Holidays everyone! 

Ulcers are not a man's best friend

Feeling like a big ol' blob of air today.

Last night, i wasn't feeling so hot. Then the pain started-sharp pain in my left lower side. Like i'm feeling the ulcers forming. I haven't had an issue with that in the last 5 weeks of taking my new meds. It was stop-what-im-doing painful. I actually took a percocet. I never do that. It makes me so bloated, can't even suck in my gut bloated. The weird thing is though..i went to the bathroom right before bed, and i was completely..solid. Which was actually painful. Ulcers and solid poop don't mix. Blood. Everywhere.

My ulcers bring on bleeding, and mucus. And some kind of discharge. It's just a mess. So then i have gas, and bloating, and discharge...gross. I actually look a little pregnant right now. Not a good look for me, air baby.

It happened in the midst of me crying about my dog.

Ya see, my pretty baby broke his hip when he was 8 months old. We couldn't afford surgery at the time, so we just let it be. It healed incorrectly, of course, and he has an obvious limp. It caused him pain on long walks. So a year later, after i had saved up every penny, He got it fixed. Well, in theory.  He got an FHO, where they remove the ball of the hip and create a muscle joint. He has been doing well the last year, but the last couple weeks he has been "cracking" a lot. Whether it's his hip or another joint, I am unsure. And he has been limping more. Maybe he's not getting enough exercise, and I need to take him on more long walks. All i know, is my baby is not 100% and I hate it. I don't want him to hurt. When he hurts, I hurt.

In the midst of me getting all emotional about that, the pain started. F you ulcers. Sorry, I can't help it. Do me a favor, don't google anything about your disease unless you're able to avoid negative thoughts about the future.

Sneeze on me!

Well i guess since someone shared my blog recently, I need to make a new post ;)

A couple days ago, I went to my doctor for a three week check up with my new medication.  It has been interesting. Things have been up and down. Ive had bleeding, some diarrhea, some blood. I thought I was doing really well...and then last week i had tacos.

I usually buy very lean ground beef. But i splurged and bought 80%.

NEVER AGAIN

I thought i was dying. For two days. My insides were liquid. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe. Damn you, tacos!! So not worth it.

I talked with my doctor about my suspicions, my immune system being a rock star. His response?

"You never get sick? Really? Well, that definitely could be our issue here."

HA! I'm smarter than I look. I haven't been sick in probably three years. Almost the same amount of time my Crohn's issues have escalated...hmmm. He said that in fact, my immune system could be so powerful, that it has noting better to do than attack me. Apparently Imuran peaks at 6-8 weeks, and I'm at week four. So i have a little ways to go.

My next mission? Get sick! Gona go lick some machines at the gym. Ha, just kidding. But maybe i'll stop excessively using hand sanitizer and washing my hands. I guess I'm taking a risk of getting really sick. Like pneumonia sick. But wouldn't it be amazing...if i get a cold, and my symptoms calm down..or...*gasp* cease?? This is a risk i'm willing to take.

If you need to find me, I"ll be at the mall, inhaling people's sneezes.

The saving grace of...an occasional cold?

Oh Lordy, Christmas is coming! That time of year when you pack on a few pounds and get in the Christmas spirit.

I love this time of year. The music, decorations, wearing boots and sweaters (unless you live here, it was in the 80's today) Maybe it will get cold soon! I don't miss the snow however. Gross

I met a friend for lunch today. We dreamed of the days of eating Christmas spirit. Fudge, cheddar broccoli dip, peppermint chocolate, white peppermint mocha, pie. Any and all pies, she said.

I'm beginning to feel better. I had no appetite for two weeks, and it's coming back. My tummy seems more happy. I"m able to eat some things i have not had in quite awhile. Trying to pack on a few pounds, and might be able to do it! I"m excited to meet with my doctor soon and discuss the next steps.

I had a revelation the other day.....

I don't get sick. Not a cold, not the flu, not a fever. Nothing. For years. I never get sick, it's pretty amazing. But i have had many issues the last year or so with my Crohn's, which is an immune type disorder. So..my thoughts..if my immune system is so strong and powerful, it is my downfall? If i attack the lining of my own intestines thanks to my immune system, would my saving grace be me, constantly somewhat immunosupressed?  It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I'll take a cold a couple times a year to be able to not crap blood, and be comfortable. A runny nose is better than a runny...well, you know.

This will be brought up at my next appointment.

Until then, I will enjoy my new promotion at work (yay!) and enjoy the holiday season :)

Crohn's goes to the Marine Corps Ball

Last night was our Marine Corps Ball

Me and my sexy Marine :) The one day a year i get to see blues. It was a good day. We stayed at a really nice resort on a plantation in Hilton Head, SC. Oceanview room..it was so nice.

Question of the day: do you have gut troubles when you get anxiety?

For me, anxiety starts in my gut. Whether i'm happy anxious, or just nervous about something, it takes it's tole on my insides.  I get social anxiety sometimes, when i have an event or situation coming where there are lots of people. Whether i know them or not, it doesn't matter. I've never been a fan of large crowds.  The marine corps ball is no exception.

We left town about 3, and starting about 11, i got nervous. I tried to calm myself, breathe in and out, but it didn't help. And i was excited, it's not that i didn't want to go, i did. But i wasn't sure what to expect. And i know, no matter how small, butterflies in my stomach will yield dangerous results.

We got to the hotel around four, and headed down to the  ball at 630. And what do you know, about 5 it started. I started to feel uncomfortable. It got worse and worse, and then all of the sudden i was full of air. Lovely. I had to squeeze into that tight dress!! Then, right after i had my dress on, i had to go. Like straight up diarrhea! UGH! but one time and it was over, and i was on my merry way :)

Dinner was delicious!! I had a couple glasses of red wine..haven't had that much since New Year's 2012! We danced the night away, together and with our friends.  The next morning we woke up, not feeling so well, haha. Ate a ton of breakfast, and fell back asleep, with the balcony door open so we could listen to the ocean and feel the breeze. It was a great night, minus my small episode :)

Imploding, balls, and all that is sexy

Do you ever feel like you have a ticking time bomb inside of you?

That you may feel ok now, but at any moment you may implode?

 It's nice that i have a person i met with Crohn's recently. She was diagnosed 17 years ago. Whenever i have questions about medications or anything, she has insight.  It makes me feel like I"m not going crazy. For instance, i swear i'm having side effects to these new meds. Nausea, sweating, fatigue with Uceris (i take it at bedtime now) And i rarely am hungry. No appetite. I have to force myself to eat. Probably the reason i'm, yet again, down to my lowest weight as far as i can remember.  And i thought the meds should be working faster, but she assured me it takes time.

Luckily, I have a job that will work with me. With appointments and procedures. It's hard to get into a GI doc, so my boss said we can work around their schedule. So lucky

And until then, i'm looking to the near future! Marine Corps Ball coming up this weekend :) Gona look sexxaaayyyy. And my best friend is going to be in Florida next month! I"m going to try so hard to go see here...

Almost the weekend!

Peanut Butter and I are Frenemies

So yesterday i decided i was too skinny. I've been thinking this for awhile, but yesterday i was determined to gain weight. 110 just isn't good for me. Another couple pounds would be nice. I mean, my ass and boobs looked better then. And some old guy at work told me i was too skinny. Eh.

So i went to the store and bought my usual, peanut butter. The natural stuff, only peanuts and salt. And i ate it. A LOT of it. like 40% of the jar. Crazy. A whole jar is about 2800 calories, so you can imagine. It's just so delicious!

And then i woke up today. Feeling like the world is ending inside my body.  Really?! It's peanuts. I know everything should be in moderation, but that's crazy people.  I just wanted to be curled up in a ball. No diarrhea, but tons of gas. My intestines are sooo noisy. i guess just all that air going around in there? So bloated. All i want is to gain a few pounds...but i guess eating a jar of PB in one sitting isn't the way to do it...

I thought my new meds were making me feel better, I don't know how long it's supposed to take, but I was noticing a difference. I guess nuts just aren't recommended at the moment. 

So i'll just sit here with my fart baby inside me, and groan about my salty temptations. *sigh*