Deck the halls with...toilets!

It's almost Christmas!

It is also my half birthday..but who's counting..

I'm writing this on the small chance that someone might respond.  I'm about to start taking Humira (if my insurance ever approves it) and I'm a little excited. It has been a long road, the whole past year has been up and down. I'm just ready for it to be over. Done with trying whatever medications that are "safer" and just ready to kick it in the ass.  

Weird how things change though, like your body knows and want to throw you for a loop.

My ulcers were back a couple weeks ago. Not that they ever really left, but I wasn't having as much bleeding. Then the pain came, the sharp pain that i dread so much, and they were back. A week later i went to the doctor and he said the Imuran wasn't working, and that Humira was my next step. I may have teared up a little, sad that nothing was working. But as i sit here with my gut rumbling, reminding me of my transgressions, i am ready. Ready do be normal. Ready to shoot myself up every two weeks to be able to poop like a normal human. I have been eating some naughty things the last week, and i'm paying for it. Not nearly as bad as the normal american diet, but just a little sugar. Some milk in the form of chocolate and cheese. Oh baby am i feeling the consequences. 

I got an email yesterday from my insurance saying they "couldn't fill" my prescription. I know, I know it's expensive. I will gladly pay a copay. Can that please be an option? We won't fill it, but for $100 a month you can have it! Ok! i'll run down there right now. I'm tired of being skinny. Losing my curves. Not having energy, losing interest in former loved activities. I hate not being myself.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. It's meant for me to vent and share my issues. In hopes that i can get it out to people who understand. Do any of you out there take Humira? Negative/Positive experiences? What words of wisdom can you give me? I have so much to look forward to this coming year, and i want to be able to experience it to the fullest. Happy Holidays everyone! 

Ulcers are not a man's best friend

Feeling like a big ol' blob of air today.

Last night, i wasn't feeling so hot. Then the pain started-sharp pain in my left lower side. Like i'm feeling the ulcers forming. I haven't had an issue with that in the last 5 weeks of taking my new meds. It was stop-what-im-doing painful. I actually took a percocet. I never do that. It makes me so bloated, can't even suck in my gut bloated. The weird thing is though..i went to the bathroom right before bed, and i was completely..solid. Which was actually painful. Ulcers and solid poop don't mix. Blood. Everywhere.

My ulcers bring on bleeding, and mucus. And some kind of discharge. It's just a mess. So then i have gas, and bloating, and discharge...gross. I actually look a little pregnant right now. Not a good look for me, air baby.

It happened in the midst of me crying about my dog.

Ya see, my pretty baby broke his hip when he was 8 months old. We couldn't afford surgery at the time, so we just let it be. It healed incorrectly, of course, and he has an obvious limp. It caused him pain on long walks. So a year later, after i had saved up every penny, He got it fixed. Well, in theory.  He got an FHO, where they remove the ball of the hip and create a muscle joint. He has been doing well the last year, but the last couple weeks he has been "cracking" a lot. Whether it's his hip or another joint, I am unsure. And he has been limping more. Maybe he's not getting enough exercise, and I need to take him on more long walks. All i know, is my baby is not 100% and I hate it. I don't want him to hurt. When he hurts, I hurt.

In the midst of me getting all emotional about that, the pain started. F you ulcers. Sorry, I can't help it. Do me a favor, don't google anything about your disease unless you're able to avoid negative thoughts about the future.

Sneeze on me!

Well i guess since someone shared my blog recently, I need to make a new post ;)

A couple days ago, I went to my doctor for a three week check up with my new medication.  It has been interesting. Things have been up and down. Ive had bleeding, some diarrhea, some blood. I thought I was doing really well...and then last week i had tacos.

I usually buy very lean ground beef. But i splurged and bought 80%.

NEVER AGAIN

I thought i was dying. For two days. My insides were liquid. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe. Damn you, tacos!! So not worth it.

I talked with my doctor about my suspicions, my immune system being a rock star. His response?

"You never get sick? Really? Well, that definitely could be our issue here."

HA! I'm smarter than I look. I haven't been sick in probably three years. Almost the same amount of time my Crohn's issues have escalated...hmmm. He said that in fact, my immune system could be so powerful, that it has noting better to do than attack me. Apparently Imuran peaks at 6-8 weeks, and I'm at week four. So i have a little ways to go.

My next mission? Get sick! Gona go lick some machines at the gym. Ha, just kidding. But maybe i'll stop excessively using hand sanitizer and washing my hands. I guess I'm taking a risk of getting really sick. Like pneumonia sick. But wouldn't it be amazing...if i get a cold, and my symptoms calm down..or...*gasp* cease?? This is a risk i'm willing to take.

If you need to find me, I"ll be at the mall, inhaling people's sneezes.

The saving grace of...an occasional cold?

Oh Lordy, Christmas is coming! That time of year when you pack on a few pounds and get in the Christmas spirit.

I love this time of year. The music, decorations, wearing boots and sweaters (unless you live here, it was in the 80's today) Maybe it will get cold soon! I don't miss the snow however. Gross

I met a friend for lunch today. We dreamed of the days of eating Christmas spirit. Fudge, cheddar broccoli dip, peppermint chocolate, white peppermint mocha, pie. Any and all pies, she said.

I'm beginning to feel better. I had no appetite for two weeks, and it's coming back. My tummy seems more happy. I"m able to eat some things i have not had in quite awhile. Trying to pack on a few pounds, and might be able to do it! I"m excited to meet with my doctor soon and discuss the next steps.

I had a revelation the other day.....

I don't get sick. Not a cold, not the flu, not a fever. Nothing. For years. I never get sick, it's pretty amazing. But i have had many issues the last year or so with my Crohn's, which is an immune type disorder. So..my thoughts..if my immune system is so strong and powerful, it is my downfall? If i attack the lining of my own intestines thanks to my immune system, would my saving grace be me, constantly somewhat immunosupressed?  It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I'll take a cold a couple times a year to be able to not crap blood, and be comfortable. A runny nose is better than a runny...well, you know.

This will be brought up at my next appointment.

Until then, I will enjoy my new promotion at work (yay!) and enjoy the holiday season :)

Crohn's goes to the Marine Corps Ball

Last night was our Marine Corps Ball

Me and my sexy Marine :) The one day a year i get to see blues. It was a good day. We stayed at a really nice resort on a plantation in Hilton Head, SC. Oceanview room..it was so nice.

Question of the day: do you have gut troubles when you get anxiety?

For me, anxiety starts in my gut. Whether i'm happy anxious, or just nervous about something, it takes it's tole on my insides.  I get social anxiety sometimes, when i have an event or situation coming where there are lots of people. Whether i know them or not, it doesn't matter. I've never been a fan of large crowds.  The marine corps ball is no exception.

We left town about 3, and starting about 11, i got nervous. I tried to calm myself, breathe in and out, but it didn't help. And i was excited, it's not that i didn't want to go, i did. But i wasn't sure what to expect. And i know, no matter how small, butterflies in my stomach will yield dangerous results.

We got to the hotel around four, and headed down to the  ball at 630. And what do you know, about 5 it started. I started to feel uncomfortable. It got worse and worse, and then all of the sudden i was full of air. Lovely. I had to squeeze into that tight dress!! Then, right after i had my dress on, i had to go. Like straight up diarrhea! UGH! but one time and it was over, and i was on my merry way :)

Dinner was delicious!! I had a couple glasses of red wine..haven't had that much since New Year's 2012! We danced the night away, together and with our friends.  The next morning we woke up, not feeling so well, haha. Ate a ton of breakfast, and fell back asleep, with the balcony door open so we could listen to the ocean and feel the breeze. It was a great night, minus my small episode :)

Imploding, balls, and all that is sexy

Do you ever feel like you have a ticking time bomb inside of you?

That you may feel ok now, but at any moment you may implode?

 It's nice that i have a person i met with Crohn's recently. She was diagnosed 17 years ago. Whenever i have questions about medications or anything, she has insight.  It makes me feel like I"m not going crazy. For instance, i swear i'm having side effects to these new meds. Nausea, sweating, fatigue with Uceris (i take it at bedtime now) And i rarely am hungry. No appetite. I have to force myself to eat. Probably the reason i'm, yet again, down to my lowest weight as far as i can remember.  And i thought the meds should be working faster, but she assured me it takes time.

Luckily, I have a job that will work with me. With appointments and procedures. It's hard to get into a GI doc, so my boss said we can work around their schedule. So lucky

And until then, i'm looking to the near future! Marine Corps Ball coming up this weekend :) Gona look sexxaaayyyy. And my best friend is going to be in Florida next month! I"m going to try so hard to go see here...

Almost the weekend!

Peanut Butter and I are Frenemies

So yesterday i decided i was too skinny. I've been thinking this for awhile, but yesterday i was determined to gain weight. 110 just isn't good for me. Another couple pounds would be nice. I mean, my ass and boobs looked better then. And some old guy at work told me i was too skinny. Eh.

So i went to the store and bought my usual, peanut butter. The natural stuff, only peanuts and salt. And i ate it. A LOT of it. like 40% of the jar. Crazy. A whole jar is about 2800 calories, so you can imagine. It's just so delicious!

And then i woke up today. Feeling like the world is ending inside my body.  Really?! It's peanuts. I know everything should be in moderation, but that's crazy people.  I just wanted to be curled up in a ball. No diarrhea, but tons of gas. My intestines are sooo noisy. i guess just all that air going around in there? So bloated. All i want is to gain a few pounds...but i guess eating a jar of PB in one sitting isn't the way to do it...

I thought my new meds were making me feel better, I don't know how long it's supposed to take, but I was noticing a difference. I guess nuts just aren't recommended at the moment. 

So i'll just sit here with my fart baby inside me, and groan about my salty temptations. *sigh*

Keep your germs away from me!

The beginning of this post will be interrupted by me having to run to the bathroom...

Ok, back.

So yesterday was the first day of all my new medication. I feel better today...less bloated. But i'm terrified of getting sick!!

I don't know about you guys, but whenever i get a new med, i look it up online. read about it, see the side effects. I like to be educated. So when the first line about Imuran tells you transplant patients take it, it's a little scary. And i know it affects my immune system, but i'm scared of getting sick. It has been years even since ive had a cold, years!!! I'm washing my hands every chance i get.

But i know i need to, because i'm tired of feeling like the left side of my colon has tiny little forks poking me. Like it feels at the moment. Ok delicious taco soup recipe!

http://paleotable.com/2013/10/paleo-taco-soup/

Delicous!!! So so good. I cooked it in the crockpot for 8 hours. Crockpot is my best friend..i don't have to do much and i have food ready when i come home from work!! Ok, time to get back to eating so i can gain a few pounds! Happy Halloween!! Which i don't celebrate anyway..oh well!

Time for a medication change!!

There's a time that comes in the life of everyone who had an IBD..where you need new drugs. You don't want it, you fight it, but you know it's inevitable.

My time has come. My doctor says i'm becoming "steroid dependent." In other words, i need them. My body doesn't want to stay in remission without it. So i get two new drugs, Imuran and Lialda. and I get to continue Uceris for a bit. Ive never taken a immunosurpressant before. It scares the crap out of me. Well hopefully it will keep me from crapping...my doctor said we have to "Hit it hard" and then go down. Whatever you say, doc.

I just want to eat my chicken curry in peace!! And maybe a few other things. Even when I'm completely in remission, i'm still going to eat clean. It makes me feel amazing. But every once in awhile i want that crap food. I mean it's the holidays people!! Fudge!! Or maybe i an start running again...

I got to ten miles, and in the middle of a flare up and destroyed knees, I had to stop. I felt like a failure, but it was also a relief...

Maybe gain some weight? I'm down to 110. Yuck. Don't pull that whole "i wish i needed to gain weight.."crap on me. Skinny doesn't look good either. Shut your face.

Oh and i also have a weird itchy rash on my face and lips. it looks lovely. I just realized I'm going to be taking an immunosurpressant during flu season. "face palm"

So much for me never being sick. I haven't been sick in years...

Get away from me sicko!

Ranch and Feta Please!!

Who wants to be normal, for just a day?? Eat waffles and hash browns for breakfast. Get a PSL. Hit the mall for some shopping. Get a salad covered in feta and ranch for lunch. Eat a huge steak and mashed potatoes for dinner. Dang, i'd be fat. But it would be delicious!

I know some of you out there can feel me...just the thought of ranch is making my intestines churn.

Lifting is my therapy. I can take it all out at the gym.  Cardio, blech. I'm not trying to lose weight. I need to gain weight if anything. Last time i had a major flare up i lost 14 pounds. I can't do that again. Id be under 100. So packing it on i go..but healthy way. I love gaining weight in muscles. What is the one thing you can do, or place you can go, to let go of and forget your problems, even if only for a minute?

Glad i made that doctors appt I'm not feeling so hot.You know, like i have to go to the bathrooom now or else? That's kind of happening. What is he going to do now? I don't want steroids!! Or biologics. Why does my body hate me?? UGH!! Sorry, pity party. It happens sometimes.

Til then, i'll just pet my pretty boy.

Oh, and GO SEAHAWKS!! All the way baby. Reppin my sweatshirt today :)

Eating clean..want to know where to start?

Eating clean is awesome. Its not easy, it takes some getting used to, but after you "detox" it's not so bad.

First step, detoxing from the sugar!! The hardest part, for me anyway.  Start with condiments. Almost all condiments have sugar. BBQ, ketchup, salad dressing. Cut it all out. Start making your own! There are plenty of good recipes for BBQ sauce and salad dressing online.

Next, nothing processed!! Nothing with preservatives.

Olive oil and coconut oil are your best friends. I use coconut oil in cooking, as butter, in recipes.

Meats: beef, chicken, turkey, tuna, salmon

Veggies: all!

Fruits: I limit my fruit intake. Too much sugar and fiber means gas...and bloating..

Dairy: I don't digest cow milk products well. So I do goat. Goat milk, cheese, yogurt.  Goat yogurt is my favorite thing in the world. With a little honey and some flax seed...mmmm

This is just the beginning! There are so may recipes you can make with just this. Found some for taco chili, turkey and sweet potato chili, mango salsa salmon..and desserts! For example, I just made pumpkin muffins! Coconut flour, pure maple syrup..yum!

Home is good for your health

Tennessee is beautiful! But you know what's even more beautiful?

Sleeping in your own bed. Using your own shower. Pooping in your own toilet. Ah, freedom.

Vacation is lovely. But coming home makes it that much better.  Eating all your food, the stuff you know won't kill you. I've had enough salads to last me for weeks. I did a lot of thinking though.  About the future, and about my health. Moving on..making room for new memories.

Do you think about the future, health wise? Where will you be ten years from now? Will i still have my colon? Will i still have my rectum? Will I be scary skinny from being sick, or will I be healthy, eating foods i hadn't been able to before. Will i have kids? How will that affect me, being pregnant? So many unsure things. All i know, is that i need to be as healthy and active as i can now, so i can be around ten years from now.

What can you do today to make yourself better in ten years?

Watching Parenthood,  Drew just got friend zoned :)

Can't we just get away...

EATING CLEAN WHILE VACATIONING IS HARD...AM I RIGHT??

Thought i would make that blood red. Seemed symbolic.

Called the doctor on my way to Tennessee, he wants to see me again "sigh." But i don't want it to get worse so that's what I am going to do. My joints have been aching so i know something's not right!

Drove up to Tennessee today to stay in a cabin for a few days, it's so beautiful here. i just wanted to ignore the needles digging into my side and gaze at the beauty of the turning leaves. Had an amazing dinner at a local restaurant..salmon, sweet potatoes, and salad!! Skipped the cooked-from-a-box rice..and ready to enjoy my peppermint chocolate tea by The Republic of Tea!

This is going to be short..because sitting here in this hard wooden chair while my butt is throbbing is not comfortable. Maybe i'll go enjoy the hot tub...on the deck :) While the temperatures plunge..mm vacation.

Have a good night.

Less than awesome Crohn's day...

Today is just one of those days...

You think you're doing everything right. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. Colon will be angry anyway.

For the record, i eat clean 99% of the time.  Nothing processed. No sugar, no gluten, and i only consume goat dairy products. I eat tons of veggies and stick with minimal fruits. I still can't seem to go more than a couple months at a time without having issues.  Any doctor will tell you that a diet doesn't matter.. BSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. For me it is EVERYTHING. What i eat directly affects how i feel. 

I know people with Crohn's have issues in different places. Mine is mainly my rectum.  TIME TO GET GROSS!! 

Bleeding..throbbing..just uncomfortable in general.  I used to have it in my terminal illeum.  But, as you know, it skips around. Now i have crohn's colitis. I'm not sure which was worse...my first couple years after getting diagnosed i had typical symptoms while having a flare up...diarrhea, fever, joint pain, weight loss. Now my symptoms have changed...still joint pain, but now i get bleeding and throbbing on my left side. But at least i'm not shooting liquid from places it doesn't belong..just blood. No biggie. 

My question is always when i should call the doctor. I take 4000 mg of pentasa a day, and a 1000 mg suppository at night, and it helps 75 percent of the time. I have uceris i take from time to time, but not unless instructed. I keep hoping it will go away on it's own, that i wont' have to get on more medication. But how long should one wait?? I always wait too long...things always come up. I'm going out of town tomorrow. too late to call now. I can call when i get back, but it will be the weekend. and then work starts next week.

Why do we always wait until it's too late. Why do we always want to do things on our own? Because we want to be normal? To not have to depend on someone else to feel well? I'm tired of taking drugs. I'm tired of my body attacking itself. But i'm also tired of feeling like crap. Can't win.  Still gotta keep my head up

Meeting new people..and being the weird one.

There's going to come a time..when you're going to have to make friends. Well, you'll want to. In my case, i move frequently because of the military. I've moved 3 times since 2010 because of that very reason. Staying home is very lonely..especially during deployments. You have to make new friends! and what comes up when you make friends..well food. What you do and don't eat. It's going to come up whether you like it or not. I find it easier to just get it out in the open.

New Person: "You're drinking tea? Oh man, i just love coffee so much."

Me: "oh, so do I. I just don't drink it."

New person: "what? I even imagine. Why not?"

Me: "My body hates it."

Translation...Diarrhea. In fact, i just had my first full caffeine coffee two days ago. I hadn't had one in over three months. Whole foods...organic coffee with coconut milk and sweetened with honey. And three hours later...diarrhea. Running to the bathroom. Um, no thanks.

It's easier to get this out in the open from the beginning. Not in a, "hi! my name is Desiree, and i poop a lot" kind of way.  But when you first hang out with someone, it's easiest to ask , let's meet for lunch? Or coffee? No serious commitment, just getting to know someone. Then it will come up, as to why you don't have salad dressing, or why we can't get a slice of pizza. Avoid people thinking you are anorexic. If they ask, just put it out there. Just say you have a lot of things your body doesn't digest well. Or doesn't like. and then the time will come, when you feel comfortable enough with new person..to discuss...

You know it's true. I can talk to my closest friends about anything. In fact, I met an amazing new friend  a few weeks ago. Within two days, we were taking about poop. About desperately trying to find a bathroom. About watering eyes when you think you're going to crap yourself. From that moment on, i knew...we were soul mates.

Everyone poops. But dang, only some of us can hold it. And you better believe..shopping makes me have to poop. Warm beverages..like the ones you get before you go shopping. Waking up. Sitting. eating.  If you ask me at any given time, i probably could crap on command.  Urine sample at the doctor? Please. Ask me for a stool sample. Anyone every had to give one of those?? Pooping on saran wrap and scrapping it off with a tiny spoon...

OK too much, sorry.  Well happy Sunday all. Make new friends! The good ones with understand.

Happy Pooping!!

This Crohn's girl..from the beginning

Let's dig in!

My name is Desiree. I"m 26 years old, and currently live in South Carolina. I"m originally from Washington state, and moved to SC from California last year. My husband is a Marine. We have a dog named Peter....you'll see pictures of him. I love him, he's my baby. And no, i don't plan on having children anytime soon.

Oh, and I have Crohn's disease.

I've thought about starting a blog for awhile. To see changes in my disease process. To let other people know that they're not suffering alone. To get it all out there! Hey, if I'm going to suffer from this for the rest of my life, why not make it comical? Let's do this together.

In 2009, while working as an x-ray tech in Idaho, i was diagnosed with Crohn's. I knew something was wrong, there had been for awhile. The doctor told me before my colonoscopy that he knew what was wrong. And hey, I knew about it. I'm in the medical field. We see it. but having it written down on PAPER, be in your medical records. Knowing for the rest of your life that you have a disease, that affects your every day well being is different. I cried when he gave me my diagnoses. I knew and it still didn't matter, it had become official.

My disease's name is Jerry.

My husband picked a name for it while we were dating. He thought Jerry sounded like the name of an asshole. So it stuck. "Jerry is bugging me today," "i can't eat that, it will make Jerry angry." Sounds better than calling it was it really is. My body hating me. Rejecting foods i love. Making me change my diet. Not allowing me foods that normal Americans eat. Jerry deserves his asshole name. I just want a freaking pizza dipped in ranch with doritos.  Is that too much to ask?

I take medication. I poop, all the time. I have gas every day. I bleed, from places that i shouldn't. I cry, it hurts. I have flares. I have few normal days. I feel sorry for myself. But i also know that i could be so much worse. I could be on more meds. I could be in the hospital.  I could have an ostomy. But i don't. And changing my diet and every day lifestyle is one of the ways i'm hoping it doesn't come to that.

The point of all of this, is to let people know they aren't alone. I have no friends that have my disease.  They don't get it. I don't skip the ice cream and chicken alfredo because i want to, i do it because I HAVE TO. If I was dying tomorrow..i'd eat....

We'll get to that later.

My name is Desiree, and I have Crohn's disease.

Warning! Uncensored info to come!

Let me start by giving you a warning. Before I even tell you about myself.

This is going to get GRAPHIC. Not in a funny way. Well ok, sometimes funny, because what else are you going to do? But in a gross, real life, true telling kind of way. I'm not going to do this unless it is all out there, unedited, because i know there are others out there like me. Wondering if what is going on in their bodies is normal.

We're going to talk about poop. And gas. And blood. And sex. Then poop some more, because hey, that's what a person with Crohn's does. A lot.

So this is your warning. If you can't handle the truth, I'm giving you the chance to bail now!! No? ok, then i think you will very much enjoy. Oh, and also, I'm not perfect with spelling, or typing. I make a lot of mistakes. Deal with it.